i don’t like dating.

i don’t mean i don’t like relationships. i like those. i like being in a couple. i would like to be married with children asap. i don’t like the part that comes before that. the part where you’re not sure if the other person likes you or how much. all that uncertainty, and i’ve talked about how i feel about risks and rejection.

i wish that it was simple and it could just be like, “hey, i like you, wanna be my boyfriend?” …and, ya know, i wish i could instantaneously know whether i liked a guy to the point that i wanted to be with him. this whole getting to know you, could be rejected at any moment business is bullshit.

the reason i hate this process so much is because of the anxiety. (which i have also previously discussed)

a few years back, before i went out anywhere, i would think up clever stories i could tell and then proceed to go through every possible reaction and question someone could have to my story. and when i say “every possible reaction” i mean EVERY POSSIBLE REACTION. i would go through entire conversations in my head and decide what were the cleverest and funniest reactions. i only stopped doing this because i got tired of never having a conversation i hadn’t already played in my head.

now this wasn’t dating. this was just talking to people in general. this is how freaking anxious i was.

now that i realize how ridiculous it is to go over every possible interaction in detail, i don’t do this. but my mind automatically starts to wonder… everything. i have to make my mind stop imagining scenarios and asking what ifs. i’ll be happy when i’m done with dating forever.

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