Tour de Nerdfighting (#tfios)

i’m not even sure where to start. i guess the beginning is the best place.
as with just about everything i do, i overanalyzed and worried about going to the signing/show. i didn’t know anyone, and being alone is scary, people might not like me, and i was very anxious.
i love living in LA. it was a gorgeous, clear, warm night that allowed for t-shirts and the hoodies people wore (including my own) to be for personal preference, not necessity. this was good because when i arrived, an hour early, there was a long line. in retrospect, considering the fact that there were teenagers who aren’t ball and chained to jobs till 5, this should have been expected. if i were 16 and wanted a good seat at the Tour de Nerdfighting, i would be more than an hour early as well.
i don’t want to say to much about the show because, let’s face it, you can check it out on YT. but i did notice afterward that this is the first time i’ve gone to see them and they weren’t asked to do their happy dances. also, i have to mention that they signed things from every last person who waited in that auditorium (of a middle school for the curious). this was a long process that took over an hour. i know this because i was in the second to last row. (did i mention the long line even though i was AN HOUR early?)
although this is news to no one, John and Hank were fabulous; completely and absolutely. they are exactly what they are in videos except you are watching them in person. it is strange and amazing and wonderful, but what makes it unique and special is the fact that i was surrounded by Nerdfighters who also thought it was strange and amazing and wonderful.
there is something about Nerdfighters that can’t be said about any other group in the world. Nerdfighters are good people. they are fair and honest and will always try to do the right thing. i have yet to come across a bad apple. nothing exemplifies that like what i did last night. i said “watch my stuff.” well, i didn’t demand it. i said it like a normal human being in a proper sentence with a polite please somewhere in the mix. “my stuff” was everything that wasn’t my car key. as in all my money, the stuff i was getting signed, my phone, EVERYTHING. and i left it with people i had just met. and because they were Nerdfighters i didn’t even worry.
when i say the goodness of Nerdfighters can’t be applied to any other group, i mean, take Christians for example. they pitch a good racket. lots of morals and goodness for goodness sake. but there are plenty of bad apples. i’ll put it this way, i’d have taken my stuff with me had i been at a church.
and while this amazing community wasn’t created by John and Hank Green, it wouldn’t exist without them being exactly as they are. and they are who they are and do what they do because of the community. this entire community is a paradox. and i got to be part of it IRL last night.
if you ever get the chance to see John or Hank DO IT!!!
not just to see them (although they are amazing), but to get to be present, live and in the flesh, in this amazing community.

The Fault in Our StarsThe Fault in Our Stars by John Green
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

i knew i would cry. i looked forward to it.

it was inevitable. chances of tears from dearly touching moments are extremely high where prose written by John Green is concerned. The Fault in Our Stars seems to do its best to exemplify this.

how much i cried surprised me. how much i laughed surprised me. also, what made me cry surprised me. ludicrous, sarcastic, dark-witted dialogue made me laugh, often while revealing some of the more tragic aspects of the story. and i cried at some of the sweetest, happiest details.

to be clear, there were also moments that were purely happy or simply sad. these moments, at least for me, usually occurred between the laughter and/or tears.

i think the reason i feel so affected is i really didn’t expect it. i mean, i got the foreshadowing loud and clear. there was an abundance of clues and i followed them easily to the conclusion. but the way the characters changed and grew and (in classic John Green fashion) remained flawed and human, was not something that i could predict. these were the things that i found touching and thoughtful and excruciatingly beautiful.

i think it helped to finish the book the same way i had started it; listening to John read it to me. i got the Limited Edition Audiobook box set, and i’m so glad that i did.

also, the title couldn’t have been more perfect. not just meaning of the title and how it relates to the book, but there is much talk of stars sprinkled throughout the story. both real and metaphorical ones.

oh, and Orion happens to be the only constellation i can identify as well.

Time

this weekend i don’t know what to do with my time. i feel like i have too many options. i want to finish several things with a similar deadline. so i feel like i have to be working on the things at the same time. but that takes a lot more discipline over my time than i’ve been exercising lately. i haven’t been online nearly as much as i’d like to lately. and by that i mean i haven’t been watching YT, i haven’t been on G+ and Twitter, i haven’t been on Skype. when i’m online i’m buying necessities on Amazon, looking up my bank balance, and researching things. and i actually should be doing more researching.
what am i doing in place of these things? i am knitting and doing a whole lot of reading and writing. i’m also spending more time venturing outside of my house to run errands and spending time with my mom and brother. i want to spend more time working on projects, but it makes me feel guilty because i feel like i’m ignoring the people around me.
so today is going to be about figuring out realistic time schedules for myself. …and finishing the outline for Delvia. it’s a very rich and complex world, and i need at least one more story line. i think i’ll discover it in Thalden today. that’s not gonna make sense to anyone for a very long time since i won’t have time to actually write this story until i’ve finished Death Haven (my NaNovel), then (probably) Theta, then my (still untitled) God story. oh, and let us not forget that i still have to finish The Guide. and work on Ice Breakers, and i have a giant knitting project. the things i’m making won’t be all that large, but the amount i’m making is quite the undertaking. i also want to start a Sherman Oaks writing group. picking a day and a place is really the problem. i already have the people. (so many things come out of NaNo. it’s really amazing. i recommend it to EVERYBODY).
anyone who reads my blog, just take a minute to tweet me and say hi once in a while. otherwise i may become buried forever in my projects.

cutting it close

if you follow me on twitter then you’ve already noticed that i’ve started a daily blog. i’ve wanted to make a daily blog for years now, but every year i remember on Jan. 2nd so it doesn’t happen. (cuz i figure i should start properly or not start at all.) but this year i prepared a new blog just for my 300+ word blogs.
already i’ve cut it close. i posted my second blog of the year at 11:58pm. perhaps my New Year’s resolution should be to post my dailies in a timely manner. 😛
thinking of posting things in a timely manner, something i didn’t do that with (again) is the HNS podcast. i’m not sure why… actually, now that i think of it, i do know why i didn’t post it. because editing it is a pain in the ass and i can’t stand editing. i mean, i started making one take vlogs, not because of time constraints and my love of brevity (although those are also factors), but because i hate editing.
actually, i have a love/hate relationship with editing. once i start it, i get all consumed with it and rather enjoy the process. usually. sometimes, a lot of times, it’s just one more thing i have to do and i want to get it done as soon as possible so i can have time to do the other things i have to do, usually to keep from failing at life. so there’s that.
but i digress. a lot.
my daily blog will be different from this blog in one major way: the subject is always me. not the New Year, Alex Day’s new album, other blogs i like, or weird things i’ve noticed, but me. who i am, what i am, what i’m doing (or not doing, as is sometimes the case), and why i’m doing it. almost every post will probably start with “i” (that’s the trend so far) and the rest with “my.” this is because, unlike this blog, i want to force some self-analysis and i always do this best in written form. that, and i want a reason to write every day. not that i need an excuse. i need a purpose to motivate me. if the goal were just “write something every day” i would forget about it and it wouldn’t happen. which is probably the reason why i have been wildly unsuccessful in the past.
this blog will still host BEDA and Blogust (since i don’t want those all to be 300+ word introspectives), and this will also have my random stream of consciousness things and all the other random that isn’t, well, introspective. it must be said that i’m a bit worried about NaNoWrimo. 300 words plus the 1,667+ words for my novel is going to be a challenge. but then, i am someone who’s written 5,000 words in a day (like a boss), so maybe i don’t have that much to worry about.
i also plan to do Camp NaNoWrimo (at least one month) because i am apparently mad. if i finish outlining Delvia in the next few days as i plan to, then i should have nothing to worry about since that will make two things unwritten but outlined. i want to outline one more thing before novel season to put my mind at ease though. because, apparently, if you don’t have at least two back-up plans, then you’re ill-prepared. …sometimes i wonder about my sanity. #writingaddiction #ambitiousgoals
daily blog

things have changed

so yesterday was all about getting Christmas gifts into boxes and shipped out. …maybe it should have been about work since, ya know, that’s what i was supposed to be doing, but hey! Christmas! am i right?

since i was busy sending packages (and putting the finishing touches on my project) i didn’t get time to chat with the receptionist* till an hour before quitting time. I did briefly say, “This is for my friend Sam.” or “This is for my friend Meg.” as i put boxes up front to picked up by the mail man, but that was it. And let me just precede this whole thing by saying, when i did go chat with the receptionist, it was 15 minutes.
so you’ll probably remember Douche Master, aka boss #2. well, i guess he was afraid he might lose his title or something because he comes up and says, “Wow! You’ve been doing a lot of talking up here today.”
to which i reacted with genuine surprise and said, “Have I? I don’t think I’ve been up here a lot today.” and i looked to my coworker to get her opinion.
she said, “No! You haven’t been up here much at all today.”
then he wandered off.
“Why does he think I’ve been up here a lot today?” i asked.
“I don’t know,” she said, looking bewildered.
“Weird,” i said.
“Silly man,” she said, and we continued our conversation.
the reason i’m even mentioning this exchange is to share the difference in my reaction. in the past i might have apologized, quickly cut off my conversation and slunk away. and i know what has caused the change: my coworker. she’s my friend** so i felt confident enough to just be myself and react as i normally would. it’s amazing the difference having a friend there has.
hopefully this will discourage him from continuing his asshole behaviour in the future. it’s doubtful, but i can hope, right? although it doesn’t really matter anyway since, with a friend in my corner, he doesn’t even bother me anymore. 🙂

as for Christmas, i’m just really excited for all my friends to get their gifts. especially to see what they think of my project i made for them. #loveitorhateit

oh, and i just read the blog where i gave Douche Master his nickname, and i think it’s really funny that i said,

i hope something happens so that i only work in the back and don’t have to be in the front office and deal with him.

which just so happens to be my precise work situation right now. i love when things work out that way. 😛

* i would say her name, but i’m going to keep up the tradition of anonymity for my coworkers.
** to me, a friend is someone who loves and supports you. if you’re reading this blog, you are probably one of these people.

Forever Yours

it’s no secret that i’m a long-standing member of the Nermie Army. and as such, Lord Alex Day (it’s really so wrong that it’s really his name) has called out to his army to plug the shit out of his latest single.

BUT DON’T BUY IT YET!!!

or do if you want. but it’ll be best if you wait till the week of Dec. 18th. cuz then it’ll count toward him getting the #1 on Christmas in the UK. (i don’t know either. apparently this is a thing.) he’ll be giving the money to charity, too. so there’s that.

so in the mean time, feel free to get the song stuck in your head (as it’s stuck in mine) and watch the video. ^_^

blog update #FTW

this is going to be a blog post of the shorter variety simply to say: LOOK AT THE ADDRESS BAR!! IT’S FINALLY FUCKING FIXED!!! YES!!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i shall now apologize for screaming with excessive punctuation, as well as the possibility that you are reading this in some sort of “reader” (like Google Reader) and therefore see nothing special about the address bar at all.

ok, so remember when i was all, “f@*&k! my blog refuses to install on my site!”??? no??? well, here it is. that blog post. see? i’m not a liar!

well, now i fucking pwned my blog. and by pwned i mean it mysteriously just installed without a hitch. no rhyme nor reason to explain why it works now or why it didn’t work then. it just works. and frankly i’m happy to leave it an unsolved mystery and carry on in self-hosted bliss. i shall proceed with that plan now.

and shall also go to sleep.

and leave you with this:

you’re welcome. ^_^

i just really felt the need to write something that wasn’t my NaNovel. i’ve been wanting to do this for a while, just turning on a song and letting it inspire the story i would tell. so i did that. (at 3am. because i’m a freakin’ genius!)

oh! and this is completely unedited. there could be super terrible spelling errors or words missing or typos, or any of a myriad of terrible things that can be found in writing. i apologize ahead of time. and without further ado:

The worst part is it wasn’t bad.

If it had been bad, it wouldn’t hurt. I could drown out the pain with anger and justification and logic. I could remember the bad and bury the good, and move on unscathed.

I wouldn’t obsessively play “our” song because sometimes it makes me feel good, but most times it just reminds me that it’s over and irreparable and makes me cry, but I keep playing it hoping that this will be one of the feel-good plays. I wouldn’t need ice packs to minimize the puffiness around my eyes before work in the morning. I wouldn’t have the constant clock ticking in my head, an endless metronome that counts down to when I can stop pretending that I’m ok and moving on and not endlessly thinking of you.

During the day I tell myself it’s not over. I tell myself I’ll call you on my lunch break. And on my lunch break I tell myself I’ll call you after work. And all the while the clock keeps ticking. And I deleted your number from my phone because if I kept calling and hanging up, you would stop answering blocked calls, and getting your voicemail instead of your voice when I know you’re there would be unbearable. I spent days trying to decide whether the fact that technology allows you to never need to memorize anyone’s phone number is a blessing or a curse. If not for that, you’re number would be permanently etched into my brain, programmed into the muscle memory of my fingertips. Instead, my fingers remember how to call you with speed dial, but there’s no longer your number in that memory slot. And I finally decided that it’s both. It is both a blessing and a curse because although all I want to do is call just to hear you say “hello,” it is best that I do not. It is best that I let your voice slowly fade from my memory. Even though that is the least desirable thing I can think of doing right now.

The weekends are the worst. The nine hours I spend on weekdays pretending I’ll call you later are open and empty, waiting for me to fill them in. I fill them with denial, and “our song” and washing. I have washed everything I own at least ten times. I swear I have the cleanest apartment anyone has ever seen. I should probably phone the Guinness Book of Records, because I have no doubt I would make the cut. The only reason I don’t is that media likes to cover when people make it into the Guinness Book, and they would ask me what inspired me to clean so much, and I’d be forced to admit to the whole world that I’m unforgivably pathetic and that the only way I can keep from killing myself is by cleaning.

I said the worst thing was that it wasn’t bad. I change my mind. While that is definitely horrendously bad, on second glance, it really is only second best to the very worst thing. The very worst thing absolutely has to be that this is all my fault. If it weren’t, and if I could blame you, I might be able to slant this into something tolerable.

And don’t misunderstand me. I blame you. If only you had done a better job of communicating your feelings. If only you had been around more often when I was available. Did you ever think about taking my schedule into consideration? But this part, the blaming you, it all happens at the crescendo of the denial. When lost in a mass of denial I can tell myself that it wasn’t my fault at all and that this was inevitable and that it should have happened sooner. But even then, even when I’m in the throes of lying to myself, I know that I’m lying. Somewhere in the undercurrent I always know what really happened. I always know that this is something I did and you didn’t want.

And I was wrong. That isn’t the worst part. The worst part is that you left thinking that I didn’t care. Or that I didn’t care enough. But I did. I cared so much! And that’s why I had to erase your number. That’s why I couldn’t stop calling you. Because I knew if I could just explain to you that I did care. That there were entire days that I didn’t think of anything but you, then things would be ok. They probably would never go back to how they were. I might never see you again. But at least you would know that I’m not the careless jerk that i acted like, and that you were loved, sometimes overwhelmingly so, every single day, and that I’m sorry for making you ever feel otherwise. And there’s a small part of me, a ridiculous and hopeless part I know, but a part all the same that thinks if only I could somehow successfully convey this all to you, that maybe this would fix everything. That this would be enough to reverse the damage and make everything better. But I know that, even if I somehow were able to find the words to tell you how I feel and properly apologize, that it would never go back to how it was. The wound is bigger than the band-aid can cover. So I deleted your number rather than putting myself through a new cycle of pain and you through the most awkward conversation in the universe.

My sister says that I’ll get over this. That one day I’ll wake up and you won’t be the first thing on my mind. I’ve had heartbreak before, and I know it felt like a perpetual annihilation and that I healed. And I know that my sister thinks that what she says is true. That I will move on and find someone who fits me even better, but I swear she’s wrong. There will never ever be another person in a million years that I will love even half as much.

But if I do fall in love again, which I don’t think is likely, but if I do, I will never let my fear of expressing emotions get in the way of being careful and loving, and most of all, present.
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>Nanowrimo’s Eve

>well, here we are. Nanowrimo’s Eve. …and, ya know, Halloween. but Nanowrimo’s Eve!!!

i’ve done all the preparation i can do, and now all that’s left is to pray i don’t get writer’s block. i know where my story is going. i’ve finally met my characters (if only briefly. i would’ve liked to have spent more time with them.) and i have some chapters pre-written in my head. now i’m just all nervous and anxious.

two days ago i started thinking that i should just switch stories altogether. despite having outlined the entire thing, and made up characters, and even drawn a map, i thought maybe it would be easier to do the other story. ya know the one. the one where i talked about not being able to do because i would have to do WAY too much character development and i wasn’t even sure if i was happy with the ending or the journey there. granted, i have since made a rough outline of said story and even developed the characters a bit, but still. i don’t know that story nearly as well as i know my Nano story. and there are big plot holes i haven’t worked through that could really stop me up, while my Nano story is solid.

(sigh) i have to win this. because next year i just want to either a) finish Theta or b) finish my “God story.” that’s the working title. i half way want to work off some of these jitters by writing a chapter of something else, and half way too scared that i’ll somehow burn myself out if i do that. i make no sense. hence why i’m trying to unwind a bit with blogging.

ok, i’m off to do that bathing thing. expect frantic and sporadic updates throughout the month!<!– text

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a finisher

so recently i’ve started watching John Green play FIFA on Hank Games. i’m not a gamer, but when i do game, i do not play sports. watching someone play a sports game would have to be the most boring thing anyone could possibly do. unless it’s accompanied by the fabulous story weaving skills of John Green.
He tells stories from his life as though it’s a story from one of his novels. He introduces the characters, describes the setting, lays out the plot, and ends with some kind of moral or joke.
But while the true stories are fashioned fabulously, i’m in it for the fiction. All the players of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers have a story. star striker Bald John Green with his magnificent mustache who is married to his teammate Other John Green. Voluptuous Paricard and the epic romance he shares with his wife. Fat Lucas, the trusty goal keeper and recovering alcoholic. and my favorite, the womanizing, dedicated and loyal (to the team) “stone cold Cteve with a C Austin!”
there is a “gazette” that covers their games and they even have twitter accounts. John releases an episode almost every day, and i look forward to them.
the thing i have taken from these episodes, besides their entertainment value, is being a “finisher.”
when someone scores a goal, team manager John Green is often heard to say, “he’s a finisher!”
last week i remembered something i had forgotten to do, and therefore couldn’t complete it. as in i couldn’t just go back and finish it later. (i don’t remember what the thing was right now, but don’t worry about that. that detail isn’t necessary.) i looked down, shook my head sadly and said to myself, “i’m not a finisher.”
so now, thanks to John Green, i’m either a finisher, or i’m “not a finisher” in everything i do. 😛
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