almost, but not quite, a complete failure

hi blog!

so now that that irksome BEDA is over and there’s no real reason for me to write, here i am!

so remember when i had a daily blog, that then was an almost daily blog, which then became silent as a fucking tomb? yeah, that was fun, right? not really sure what i’m gonna do about that. like, should i start writing in it again? should i change the focus entirely? like, should i turn it into a photo blog of some kind? …i feel like a photo blog would fail faster. i don’t know. then again, i admittedly haven’t given it much thought. as in the amount of time it’s taken me to write this paragraph is the amount of time i’ve dedicated to it.

in other news (if you really wanna glorify it by calling it that), i still knit stuff. so that’s still a thing. i have a few projects that i’m going to make for a few specific people. i haven’t decided what to do for everyone else. and i’m half-way finished with a hat that i’m procrastinating because working for more than a few hours will result in my hand hurting like a motherfucker for the next week (because of the material). so… that’s the best excuse i can come up with. i’d have a better one, but again, not much time dedicated to it.

so what have i been dedicating my time to? mostly watching TV and writing. …i wish the writing was more extensive than the TV ratio, but it’s not. except for the past couple days. the only problem with the writing progress is it’s quite scattered. i’ve been working on Theta and Delvia (for the past week especially) when i’m supposed to be working on Death Haven. btw, Delvia and Death Haven are working titles, Theta will probably be called Theta. but i don’t know. nothing’s set in stone. i’m just writing it. and not very well. so you can’t depend on me to come up with titles, nor know if they’re permanent ones.

thinking of bad writing, you should see the beginning of a scene in the second act of Theta i wrote the other day. or actually, you shouldn’t. it’s horrible. usually you write something, and you come back the next day, and you gape in horror at the monstrosity and delete as fast as you can whilst thanking God or the universe or whatever you might thank that no one will ever see your ugly shame. but this thing, this character’s introduction to the second act, i knew was horrible as i wrote it. which means it’s far worse than any of my thankfully deleted ugly shame that you shall never see. i mean, i haven’t even worked up the courage to reread. i don’t want to admit to myself that such drivel could be produced by my brain. i’d like to keep sound my fantasy that i’m better than that. and that’s the update on that.

and… well, that’s all i can really think to say. i mean, that was pretty fucking dull as it was, and it can only go downhill from here, so i’ll spare us both and end it here.

…this post. not my life. though, on second thought, you could be right. i might be wasting perfectly good air. but i’m gonna go continue to waste it, or maybe use it wisely (says my mentally stable optimistic side), as i continue to work on Theta and maybe Delvia, but probably not Death Haven when it’s the only thing i should be working on. or maybe i’ll surprise myself and start working on something else altogether, thus putting me further behind on everything else. because that’s just the type of thing i’m wont to do.

# of projects being worked on (writing not included): 5
# of books being worked on: 5
# of ANYTHING finished: 0

winning. #sarcasm

oh hey! just remembered something i AM making progress with, and that’s my reading! hooray for audiobooks! otherwise i’d be a failure at everything. #sadbuttrue

song of the day: Does & Hoes

random picture i took today:

BEDA 01 – oops!

OMG! i completely forgot about Blog Every Day in April! i can’t believe i forgot!

well, take this as the first one, and i’ll do the one for today later. then i’ll have the required 30 at the end.

…i just …i really can’t believe i forgot!

well, we march onward i suppose.

CGPGrey

a rather disappointing amount of the time, i am pitifully behind the curve. part of this is due to my stubborn attachment to the illogical notion that my bed is the most productive location ever. the other part is that i still refuse to learn the irrefutable lesson that John Green’s suggestions are good ones.

because of this lesson unlearned, i did not click the link he posted 2 weeks ago to C.G.P. Grey’s channel, and instead had to stumble upon it myself to become addicted. (so embarrassing, i know) it’s just, like, an endless fountain of information about all kinds of stuff. it’s awesome! …ok, clearly it’s not and ENDLESS fountain. i may be overselling it on that point. but it’s still awesome, nonetheless.*

this discovery is also important to me because, after getting a hazelnut latte at lunch time, i got so busy watching YouTube (CGPGrey to be precise) that I accidentally drank the whole thing instead of sipping it for the rest of the day. but i’m not worried because i happened to watch this, so everything’s ok.

i’ve also decided that i should just go ahead and jump into John Green fangirldom. i mean, it’s gonna be a really effortless transition. i already have all the ingredients, so there’s really no good reason not to.

* why is that a word? also, “nevertheless.” ???

Blog Evolution

((This is in response to this post, which made me think about the relevance of blogs.))

while i agree that personal blogs* are definitely losing popularity, i don’t believe that blogs are dying. i think we all are certainly more discerning as to which blogs we care to give our precious time, but we’re not giving up on them altogether.

while tweets** can be rather insightful at times, they will never be able to truly replace the blog, because a tweet will never require the same time and careful thought.

a blog post is like a conversation. you raise a topic that you have thought carefully about, and you share your conclusions. then people who find you engaging read and respond. thoughtful, well written blogs tend to encourage thoughtful and well written responses. they are conversations that become much deeper and more important than any tweet could. sometimes deeper and more important than any verbal conversation could. because we can format and edit a blog until every word is precisely what we mean in the exact manner we which to convey it. we don’t get to edit our verbal communications. the whole point of a conversation can get lost in the clarification of poorly chosen words.

but a blog doesn’t have this problem. misunderstandings and miscommunications are rare. and because the main focus of the conversation is clearly visible (or you can just scroll back to it in reference), it rarely gets diluted and buried in digression. in many ways, blogs can be a superior form of communication.

and sometimes twitter’s 140 are empty without the hows and whys that can be answered in a full blog post. as long as tweets need elaboration, there will be the blog with which to do it.

so i don’t think that blogs are dying, i just think we’ve evolved in how we use them.

* i make the distinction here between personal and news blogs because news blogs are written and consumed in the same manner they always were. they have not changed their format, nor have we changed the way we use them.

** i use twitter as it easily demonstrates my point, but this can be replaced with any of the myriad short form media we use.

This morning I made two soft boiled eggs with grated cheese, a cup of tea. Not rye toast with blueberry jelly. Not Kona coffee with cinnamon flavored creamer.
I am tired. The smell of coffee, the music only heard because the rest of the world is quiet, wasn’t there to lull me back to sleep.
Before heading to the gym, I grab my keys from the key rack. Its pegs, all woefully full, call attention to the empty spaces in the shoe rack.
I stop for lunch, and then for coffee, procrastinating my return to the kitchen that won’t have a blender half full of berry power shake, the coffee table that won’t be covered in sketches, the television that won’t be playing Cowboy Bebop endlessly. I have avoided the living room for the past week so that I don’t have to notice all the things that aren’t in it.
Dinner time has become an adventure. Finding strange exotic foods and the places that serve them. Wednesday’s trip to find haggis, though successful, ended in a stop for Burger King on the way home and the lesson learned to Google foods before driving 20 miles to get them. This was still a better option than going to the spot and purposely not noticing #23 on the menu. Better than looking across an empty dining room table.
I sit at my desk, my stomach full but my mind empty. I had never known how loud silence could be until it filled every space in the house. I can only hear myself think. My thoughts blare at me. I long for video game gunfire to drown them out.
I look at the bed. One half, a mess full of tosses and turns, trips to the bathroom or the kitchen for water. The other side untouched, a pair of earbud headphones on the bedside table. I know you found them missing as you waited for your flight and bought another pair in the airport.
I smile as I know I’ll sleep well tonight. I head downstairs to put on my shoes, then drive to the airport.

love and promises

“Love is keeping the promise anyway.” – Issac, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

these words have been ringing in my head since i read them. they are wonderful and beautiful and powerful and inspiring, but most of all true. promises are the way we prove our love.
think about it. all the promises that could be made and all the ways they can be kept and broken; their inherent responsibility. they can be wonderful and justified, or merciful and horrific. promises are so often made and so rarely kept. they are treasured as preciously as gold, can weigh heavy as any burden, and flow as effortlessly as water. those who make empty promises are judged harshly and lose value until even their actions become worthless. but those who keep their promises are heralded and their actions are regarded and make deep impacts.
promises are easy to make, easier to brake, and often forgotten. keeping a promise denotes reverence, both held and reserved, and the most honorable take the most effort to keep.
keeping your word and the dishonor that comes from breaking it is why children commit to “double doggy dares” and why you can be imprisoned for lying under oath. these are verbal pacts, but the consequences of breaking these pacts are physical.
there are some promises that are so unpleasant that it is understandable and forgiven if you can’t carry them out; some promises that you may be ostracized for honoring. and it is love that will make someone keep the promise anyway, no matter how personally or socially deplorable.

Tour de Nerdfighting (#tfios)

i’m not even sure where to start. i guess the beginning is the best place.
as with just about everything i do, i overanalyzed and worried about going to the signing/show. i didn’t know anyone, and being alone is scary, people might not like me, and i was very anxious.
i love living in LA. it was a gorgeous, clear, warm night that allowed for t-shirts and the hoodies people wore (including my own) to be for personal preference, not necessity. this was good because when i arrived, an hour early, there was a long line. in retrospect, considering the fact that there were teenagers who aren’t ball and chained to jobs till 5, this should have been expected. if i were 16 and wanted a good seat at the Tour de Nerdfighting, i would be more than an hour early as well.
i don’t want to say to much about the show because, let’s face it, you can check it out on YT. but i did notice afterward that this is the first time i’ve gone to see them and they weren’t asked to do their happy dances. also, i have to mention that they signed things from every last person who waited in that auditorium (of a middle school for the curious). this was a long process that took over an hour. i know this because i was in the second to last row. (did i mention the long line even though i was AN HOUR early?)
although this is news to no one, John and Hank were fabulous; completely and absolutely. they are exactly what they are in videos except you are watching them in person. it is strange and amazing and wonderful, but what makes it unique and special is the fact that i was surrounded by Nerdfighters who also thought it was strange and amazing and wonderful.
there is something about Nerdfighters that can’t be said about any other group in the world. Nerdfighters are good people. they are fair and honest and will always try to do the right thing. i have yet to come across a bad apple. nothing exemplifies that like what i did last night. i said “watch my stuff.” well, i didn’t demand it. i said it like a normal human being in a proper sentence with a polite please somewhere in the mix. “my stuff” was everything that wasn’t my car key. as in all my money, the stuff i was getting signed, my phone, EVERYTHING. and i left it with people i had just met. and because they were Nerdfighters i didn’t even worry.
when i say the goodness of Nerdfighters can’t be applied to any other group, i mean, take Christians for example. they pitch a good racket. lots of morals and goodness for goodness sake. but there are plenty of bad apples. i’ll put it this way, i’d have taken my stuff with me had i been at a church.
and while this amazing community wasn’t created by John and Hank Green, it wouldn’t exist without them being exactly as they are. and they are who they are and do what they do because of the community. this entire community is a paradox. and i got to be part of it IRL last night.
if you ever get the chance to see John or Hank DO IT!!!
not just to see them (although they are amazing), but to get to be present, live and in the flesh, in this amazing community.

The Fault in Our StarsThe Fault in Our Stars by John Green
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

i knew i would cry. i looked forward to it.

it was inevitable. chances of tears from dearly touching moments are extremely high where prose written by John Green is concerned. The Fault in Our Stars seems to do its best to exemplify this.

how much i cried surprised me. how much i laughed surprised me. also, what made me cry surprised me. ludicrous, sarcastic, dark-witted dialogue made me laugh, often while revealing some of the more tragic aspects of the story. and i cried at some of the sweetest, happiest details.

to be clear, there were also moments that were purely happy or simply sad. these moments, at least for me, usually occurred between the laughter and/or tears.

i think the reason i feel so affected is i really didn’t expect it. i mean, i got the foreshadowing loud and clear. there was an abundance of clues and i followed them easily to the conclusion. but the way the characters changed and grew and (in classic John Green fashion) remained flawed and human, was not something that i could predict. these were the things that i found touching and thoughtful and excruciatingly beautiful.

i think it helped to finish the book the same way i had started it; listening to John read it to me. i got the Limited Edition Audiobook box set, and i’m so glad that i did.

also, the title couldn’t have been more perfect. not just meaning of the title and how it relates to the book, but there is much talk of stars sprinkled throughout the story. both real and metaphorical ones.

oh, and Orion happens to be the only constellation i can identify as well.

cutting it close

if you follow me on twitter then you’ve already noticed that i’ve started a daily blog. i’ve wanted to make a daily blog for years now, but every year i remember on Jan. 2nd so it doesn’t happen. (cuz i figure i should start properly or not start at all.) but this year i prepared a new blog just for my 300+ word blogs.
already i’ve cut it close. i posted my second blog of the year at 11:58pm. perhaps my New Year’s resolution should be to post my dailies in a timely manner. 😛
thinking of posting things in a timely manner, something i didn’t do that with (again) is the HNS podcast. i’m not sure why… actually, now that i think of it, i do know why i didn’t post it. because editing it is a pain in the ass and i can’t stand editing. i mean, i started making one take vlogs, not because of time constraints and my love of brevity (although those are also factors), but because i hate editing.
actually, i have a love/hate relationship with editing. once i start it, i get all consumed with it and rather enjoy the process. usually. sometimes, a lot of times, it’s just one more thing i have to do and i want to get it done as soon as possible so i can have time to do the other things i have to do, usually to keep from failing at life. so there’s that.
but i digress. a lot.
my daily blog will be different from this blog in one major way: the subject is always me. not the New Year, Alex Day’s new album, other blogs i like, or weird things i’ve noticed, but me. who i am, what i am, what i’m doing (or not doing, as is sometimes the case), and why i’m doing it. almost every post will probably start with “i” (that’s the trend so far) and the rest with “my.” this is because, unlike this blog, i want to force some self-analysis and i always do this best in written form. that, and i want a reason to write every day. not that i need an excuse. i need a purpose to motivate me. if the goal were just “write something every day” i would forget about it and it wouldn’t happen. which is probably the reason why i have been wildly unsuccessful in the past.
this blog will still host BEDA and Blogust (since i don’t want those all to be 300+ word introspectives), and this will also have my random stream of consciousness things and all the other random that isn’t, well, introspective. it must be said that i’m a bit worried about NaNoWrimo. 300 words plus the 1,667+ words for my novel is going to be a challenge. but then, i am someone who’s written 5,000 words in a day (like a boss), so maybe i don’t have that much to worry about.
i also plan to do Camp NaNoWrimo (at least one month) because i am apparently mad. if i finish outlining Delvia in the next few days as i plan to, then i should have nothing to worry about since that will make two things unwritten but outlined. i want to outline one more thing before novel season to put my mind at ease though. because, apparently, if you don’t have at least two back-up plans, then you’re ill-prepared. …sometimes i wonder about my sanity. #writingaddiction #ambitiousgoals
daily blog

things have changed

so yesterday was all about getting Christmas gifts into boxes and shipped out. …maybe it should have been about work since, ya know, that’s what i was supposed to be doing, but hey! Christmas! am i right?

since i was busy sending packages (and putting the finishing touches on my project) i didn’t get time to chat with the receptionist* till an hour before quitting time. I did briefly say, “This is for my friend Sam.” or “This is for my friend Meg.” as i put boxes up front to picked up by the mail man, but that was it. And let me just precede this whole thing by saying, when i did go chat with the receptionist, it was 15 minutes.
so you’ll probably remember Douche Master, aka boss #2. well, i guess he was afraid he might lose his title or something because he comes up and says, “Wow! You’ve been doing a lot of talking up here today.”
to which i reacted with genuine surprise and said, “Have I? I don’t think I’ve been up here a lot today.” and i looked to my coworker to get her opinion.
she said, “No! You haven’t been up here much at all today.”
then he wandered off.
“Why does he think I’ve been up here a lot today?” i asked.
“I don’t know,” she said, looking bewildered.
“Weird,” i said.
“Silly man,” she said, and we continued our conversation.
the reason i’m even mentioning this exchange is to share the difference in my reaction. in the past i might have apologized, quickly cut off my conversation and slunk away. and i know what has caused the change: my coworker. she’s my friend** so i felt confident enough to just be myself and react as i normally would. it’s amazing the difference having a friend there has.
hopefully this will discourage him from continuing his asshole behaviour in the future. it’s doubtful, but i can hope, right? although it doesn’t really matter anyway since, with a friend in my corner, he doesn’t even bother me anymore. 🙂

as for Christmas, i’m just really excited for all my friends to get their gifts. especially to see what they think of my project i made for them. #loveitorhateit

oh, and i just read the blog where i gave Douche Master his nickname, and i think it’s really funny that i said,

i hope something happens so that i only work in the back and don’t have to be in the front office and deal with him.

which just so happens to be my precise work situation right now. i love when things work out that way. 😛

* i would say her name, but i’m going to keep up the tradition of anonymity for my coworkers.
** to me, a friend is someone who loves and supports you. if you’re reading this blog, you are probably one of these people.